From Letters to the Editor, New York Times Book Review – February 28, 2016
 
To the Editor:

Re Andrew Solomon’s review of “When Breath Becomes Air” and four other books about death and dying (Feb. 14): Besides comfort and dignity, we need to openly discuss imbuing the impending death of a loved one with meaning. This is a considered trilateral conversation between a patient, their loved ones and clinicians. Except for palliative care teams, the health care professionals entrusted to shepherd most of us to our deaths require better training. Poetry and engagement with the humanities not only enhance a doctor’s empathy, but are requisite to all of us living meaningfully.
I have attended severely injured accident victims. Some die at the roadside before they get to the hospital. Breaking the news of a failed resuscitation can be heartbreaking for a child’s parents. Kafka’s “The meaning of life is that it stops” remains scant consolation when life is robbed unexpectedly or prematurely. I believe that dying at an old and infirm age is not something to be raged against or resisted at all cost. For all of us and every day, life ebbs away at a varied pace. Some race into the abyss of oblivion, and even the healthy are inching toward the precipice. Alastair Reid’s “Curiosity” offers a truthful rebuttal to Dylan Thomas’s “Do not go gentle into that good night”: “That dying is what the living do, / that dying is what the loving do, / . . . that dying is what, to live, each has to do.”
JOSEPH TING
BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA
The writer is an adjunct associate professor in the school of public health and social work at Queensland University of Technology.

When a child experiences a loss, the devastation to that child’s life can be likened to an earthquake. All of a sudden, the child’s emotional landscape is devastated, and the familiar life which she/he had been leading, has changed forever. Although there are many losses which can be considered life-altering and traumatic (divorce, loss of residence, displacement from country, etc.), death is, as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has stated, the most permanent and profound loss a human being faces.

In a classroom setting, the devastation being experienced by a student coming to terms with the death of a family member or peer, can have overwhelming repercussions, for the student, the rest of the class, and for the teachers. It is important for teachers to understand that, after a death has occurred, there are other losses to consider besides the immediately significant loss. As with the aftershocks from an earthquake, secondary losses can be just as devastating to a student, and affect his/her performance academically, socially, emotionally, and even physically, for years to come.

A child trying to come to terms with the permanence of the death of a loved one or peer may experience many emotions, the outward expression of which is not considered acceptable or desirable in a school setting. A child’s world is very much dependent upon others making decisions for him/her. Without any social, political, financial powers of their own, children are at the mercy of their elders. When a child’s emotional anchors have been pulled up, he/she has not yet acquired the adequate skills with which to cope and adjust. In subsequent posts, I will elaborate on how educators can play a vital role in implementing death education in the classroom.
 

It is important to understand that a grief counsellor is different from a social worker, psychologist, psychotherapist, or any other type of counsellor or therapist. A grief counsellor specializes in – and has devoted years of study and training to - thanatology, which is the intensive study of loss, grief, bereavement, mourning, death, dying, and palliative care.

Grief affects different people in different ways, and the grief journey is a highly personal one. Some individuals are unable to address their grief, for such reasons as the stresses and pressures of life, health issues, denial, and trauma. This phenomenon of being stuck in grief is called being frozen, and the feelings of loss, depression, and emptiness can become debilitating. The unaddressed intense emotional pain caused by the death of a loved one can manifest itself as an underlying cause of physical and mental health problems, both immediate and future. 

For those living with issues due to unaddressed grief, emotional, physical, and mental health problems may manifest weeks, months, even decades later. Very often the grief-stricken individual does not connect what they are experiencing with their past, unattended-to grief. 

However, if they do make the connection, it is very likely that they have been regularly subjected to the all-too-common mantra, “But you should be over it by now...” proffered by well-meaning, but ill-informed friends and relatives, who cannot possibly understand their personal grief journey.

So, if you are stuck in a place of grief, unable to move forward in your life, a grief counsellor can help you come to terms with such issues as trauma, compound, complicated, and disenfranchised grief. A qualified grief professional will never counsel you to ‘let go’, or to ‘get over’ your grief, or to have 'closure.'

A qualified grief professional will help you move forward with your life by facilitating healthy, proactive, portable coping strategies and normalizing triggers, in order for you to get back to a healthy and meaningful life.